I cannot possibly recommend callings to anyone in their right mind. The record is clear: callings are at best inconvenient and at worst, embarrassing and dangerous.

Callings cannot be allocated to one Saturday a month, and are not fulfilled by baking a casserole. Callings are not punctual and authentic ones are not generally trendy—unless you are Bono who managed to make debt relief sexy. You are not Bono. Do not try his stunts at home. (It may have gone very badly for Bono if he himself had not been sexy or had an Irish accent.)

Callings have been known to place unprecedented demands on bank accounts as if there weren’t enough demands already. In rare instances, callings place little demand on bank accounts. There is no way to know ahead of time. Biblically speaking, callings will send you shooting like a clay pigeon into king’s palaces or land you in skanky prisons. People who have them come alive in a way that makes it clear that there is much to be said for a life of mind-numbing boredom. Callings typically appear just before wild adventures. Why not just go to the movies? There is an excellent reason why this series on callings is titled “Fear.” Someone on staff was honest enough to spell it out for you, though not honest enough to use horror movie font with letters that drip green blood. Do not be fooled by the cursive, people. Fear is fear is fear.

Flee back to your cubicle farms! Run! Run fast!

However, I know that some of you out there have already lost your minds. So, after a period of inspection, some of it even introspection, here are some meager thoughts on the story of Exodus 4: 9-17:

1. Moses was born and raised in Pharaoh’s palace in Egypt and then ran far away to the desert. Callings, in an inordinate number of reported cases, will actually redeem your past for great good. If you would like to be done with your past, do not go rooting about for a calling.

2. You don’t have to figure out your calling so much as you have to pay attention; to listen. TO GOD. God is not pacing about trying to whip up a calling for you; he’s waiting for you to dial in. Psalm 32:8 says, “I will guide you with my eye.” This means that in the event that no bushes ignite before you, the alternative is to gaze strait into the eye of God. This is trippy stuff, folks. Gaze at your own risk.

3. Further to the above, you could listen to godly community around you. Sometimes someone else is looking at the eye of God and can help you out. Moses had Jethro, Aaron, Zipporah, and the Israelite elders who all concurred that he was on to something.

4. You could also go try a bunch of stuff. This will be a big hassle. You may discover how much you like junior highers (bless your heart) or feeding homeless people (do not assume that your organic casserole will be enough) or talking to people about answers to important questions (have mercy!). If you don’t want a calling, don’t try stuff. One thing leads to another and you’re bound to wake up one morning with an actual calling.

5a. You can discuss your calling with God but it would be good to get to your main question sooner than later. Moses and the God of the Universe actually dialogued. When God invites you to transcend, he will first condescend. To you. This cosmic pulley system of divine pursuit is fueled by pure, unmitigated love. Are you freaked out yet? I hope so.

5b. If you are in no mood to dialog, you can also just be bitter, angry and wiped out for a little while. This reaction is legit given the tremendous havoc wreaked by discovering that God is calling you. Ezekiel is your biblical model for this valid, though preferably temporary, reaction. (Ezekiel 2:14-15)

6. Moses was allowed to point out his weaknesses, but he wasn’t allowed to get stuck there. As Alan Love said, quoted by Kurt Graves, put into writing by me, “God is not limited by our weaknesses or our strengths.” (Maybe he just said “strengths,” but I digress.) It’s good to mention your weaknesses if they’re stressing you out. But don’t expect that to take you off the hook. Some people say that God will call you to do exactly what you hate. This is also false. However, if you do not want a calling, feel free to believe it. Also feel free to wallow in your failures and weaknesses.

7. God will empower you to do your transcendent calling. Frankly this is a nice concession after disrupting your life. Moses was reminded that God made his mouth and would surely insert things into it for him to say. Empowerment is a standard thing God does for everyone with a calling and like it or not, this would mean you too. He made you. He gets you more fully than you get yourself. He’s up to lots of good. Bruce said that God does not call us out on a limb just to let us fail. If you do not want a calling, please focus on the limb bobbing in hurricane-force winds. Danger! Danger!

8. Finally, your calling, once it stops being about you, your protests, your weaknesses, your strengths, your preferences, your time, your money, your whateverthewhocares, will eventually be about the world! Your calling will involve wading into something or someone that God himself longs to wade into.

I’m telling you, calling is a slippery slope that could end in LIFE. You might grow up. You might change a bit of the world. You, filled with the power of God, would be totally responsible for any joy, healing, peace, justice or love that came out of that.

Alternately, there’s always the casserole…

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*Note: If you wish, you can look up this and other Bible passages online at biblegateway.com
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